I am puke
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
