my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
