that's an acceptable place to lick
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
so much tequila, so little girl.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
