On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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