I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
