a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
