What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
