i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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