Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize