she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
