New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
This toilet bowl is my home.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Come on in and take your pants off
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