mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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