Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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