Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize