I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Randomize
