I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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