And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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