god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize