I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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