were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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