i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
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