Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
