Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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