No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
