Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
