So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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