Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
