All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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