I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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