My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
