BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
