god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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