I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
