do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
