cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I have aggressive nipples.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Randomize
