she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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