dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
