Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
