i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
