So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
how drunk are you?
Several
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
