omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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