Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
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