I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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