Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
