After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
