What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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