You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
