he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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