He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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