when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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