ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
So gin and wine won't be happening again
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
