he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
