And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
