thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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