mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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