Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
