i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Randomize
