I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
