if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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