Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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